We do what we have to
by Witherwolf
Summary: Akatsuki members just do not die. But they learn to cope. Somehow. (SasoDei. ItaKisa.)


Hi all! This was just a little something I came up with when I was in the midst of my revision; I wrote a little here and there during my study breaks. I was suddenly hit by a wave of depression regarding Sasori's death.

And yes I know that Tobi is actually Obito but at this point in time Itachi still doesn't know that so Tobi will be referred to as Madara.

Enjoy ~ !

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They didn't usually have missions separately; it was just not their style, but that night Kisame was assigned a sudden solo mission by Leader-sama and there wasn't any time between him receiving the task and departing he could spare to tell Itachi the details. Itachi could handle that; Kisame was not obliged to tell him anything.

So he inevitably found himself at the same street stall that he always visited when Kisame was away and his nights were blankly alone. But it would appear that he would not be quite as alone as he had initially thought. Familiar blond hair caught his eyes and even though it was let down from its usual high ponytail there was still no doubt that it was indeed Deidara. (It was still messy.)

"You are not of age to drink," Itachi commented idly as a way of greeting, not once turning to look at the other Akatsuki member as he calmly seated himself beside him.

Deidara's head immediately whipped to his right at being addressed so openly and suddenly and his eyes took on a steely glint of annoyance when he recognised who it was. For a moment, it seemed as if he would start throwing less than eloquent insults at Itachi or maybe simply just strut away in all the glory of his hatred for the Uchiha but it appeared as if he decided that both were all too much trouble.

"And killing is of course high up on the list of legal things, un," Deidara snorted, turning his head away from the Uchiha and drowning his cup of sake before lazily waving the owner over to order another bottle. There were already two empty bottles on the countertop which the owner swiftly swept away when he brought a brand new one over, setting it down firmly before Deidara. Itachi could only wonder how much alcohol Deidara had already consumed prior to this. He chose not to reply and instead ordered a cup of hot green tea; alcohol did not sit well with him.

It was only this near Deidara and with the helpful aid of a nearby lamp that Itachi realised that the blonde's hair was still partially wet. His eyesight really was worsening though he already knew and completely accepted that; it was just that it was deteriorating at a faster rate than he had initially anticipated. Anyway, the wet hair clearly indicated that Deidara was probably at the onsen before coming here. Itachi took some comfort - but not exactly knowing why he did - in knowing that those two bottles were the only two Deidara had consumed before his arrival. Itachi did not know whose idea it was to set the Akatsuki base up with an onsen in such close approximation but he was more than glad for the sheer brilliance of it. More often than not he found himself being able to calmly relax there with Kisame, and he knew for a fact that the other members of Alatsuki did too. But they never let their guard down; shinobis never do, and it was a luxury the Akatsuki can never afford.

It was a weird sight: two members of a worldwide criminal organisation sitting at a street stall and looking as if they were having a normal conversation. But it was probably not that weird. They had both forsaken their clocks back at the base, as was the unspoken practice when they went to the onsen or out for a casual walk, so it was not as if anyone would be able to identify them. Besides, the owner certainly did not and Itachi subconsciously noted that he had the sense to give his customers their privacy; he either resolutely kept to the other end or casually went about his business in the back room. Itachi supposed it came from running the stall for so long. There was also the fact that there was not anyone else around. The entire stall was at their disposal.

To the average person or shinobi, there definitely was nothing wrong with the picture (none that they could identify anyway smart as they are). However, if another member of Akatsuki were to chance upon them it would an entirely different story. For one, they were not with their respective partners and there was the indisputable fact that Deidara haboured some sort of deep grudge against the Uchiha. But luckily Hidan and Kakuzu were out on a mission, Pein and Konan were currently occupied at the base, Zetsu was probably scouting some area, Kisame was alone carrying out his mission, Tobi was obviously not with Deidara and... And Sasori was dead.

They might be Akatsuki, world renowned criminals famed for being utterly ruthless and inhumanely emotionless but that was only the superficial level willingly exposed to the ignorant world. They were family.

So though it was a sensitive subject, Itachi just knew that he had to bring it up and risk Deidara's explosive temperament. It had been a while since it happened after all.

"Where's your partner?" Itachi asked casually as if he was asking about a random mission. Deidara started, obviously not expecting to be spoken to. Before he could say anything, Itachi added, "it didn't seem that Tobi would be one to leave you alone."

Deodar turned on Itachi for the second time that night, eyes ablaze with fury and tinged with a touch of hatred.

"That little asshole is not my partner, un," he spat vehemently and violently snatched his cup off the table, emptying it in one gulp. He viciously slammed it back down and almost broke the cup, in the process disturbing the otherwise silent solace the empty night and its accompanying breeze brought. The owner hurriedly rushed out and realising that there was nothing wrong except for the terse atmosphere in the air, which he could care less about unless it threatened the state of his shop, shrugged and returned to the back.

That did the trick though. It was all Itachi needed to know. Sasori's death had come as a sorrowful shock not only to Deidara (though he constantly tried to play it off by scoffing at Sasori's ideals about art) but to the rest of the organisation as well. A member of Akatsuki did not simply die just like that - at the hands of a pathetic chuunin and a shinobi way past her time no less. It was possibly the most inane thing he had ever heard and he had heard and been a part of many unbelievable things such as massacring his entire clan for the sake of protecting his village. Unimaginable but as real as Sasori's untimely death.

When Itachi looked over to Deidara he swore he could see unshed tears brimming in his eyes but he blinked again and they were gone. He attributed it to his treacherous eyes. Deidra's eyes, though, held none of the blazing fire it once did and in its place was cold charcoal. But that didn't mean that the light in Deidara had already gone out. He had his art and that was his other sustaining lifeline and what kept the fire alive though not enough for it to be so strongly reflected as before. Deidara had his art and that was really enough for him. Itachi knew that he was not the same though. If Kisame was gone then he would be extinguish as quickly and mercilessly as a flame in a pouring rain would be - instantly and violently, erasing all traces of its existence. But Deidara was an artist and that made all the difference in the world.

"He's so mean, un," Deidara breathed out, a look of anguish overcoming his face as he shut his eyes tight and let out a long sigh. Itachi thought he was drunk for a moment but immediately berated himself for it. Deidara was not so foolish as to let that happen to him.

This was Deidara opening up to him and it was probably the first time Deidara was telling anyone about his feelings ever since Sasori's death. (It still felt weird and ethereal to put it that way.) As far as he knew, from the small conversations that he had with the other members, Deidara had basically been the same as he had always been but something just did not feel right. Itachi really did not mind lending a listening ear to Deidara and give advice if needed; Akatsuki was family - that was what they did, even if it was wholly ironic that Deidara was choosing him out of everyone.

Deidara appeared to be thinking along the same line for he immediately said, "Take it that I'm intoxicated okay, un."

Itachi nodded simply; he did not mind. This was about Deidara, not him. Also, he attributed it to the fact that the night was silent enough and almost peaceful even which was a rarity in itself. The lyrical creaking of the crickets and the soft lull of the breeze were but accompaniments, not disturbances. It was as if they were but two ordinary men having a simple drinking session at a random stall they happened to chance upon. So boring, so normal.

"With all his insane rubbish about art being eternal and it being the single most beautiful thing on earth you would have expected him to be the last one standing even as the world rips to pathetic shreds in front of his very eyes but no," Deidara spat out the last word with a vengeance, "he just _had_ to be the first to go, un. That's why I have always said and _known_ his concept of art was wrong and I was - am - right! Art is fleeting and transient, un! It's the most beautiful, un. Not his stupid concept of eternity. No, un!"

And Deidara looked so happy and animated as he flailed about his art that Itachi was tempted to be led into fantastically believing that Sasori and Deidara merely had a fight, but the smile which slipped from Deidara's face and the foreign ache in his heart told him otherwise. He was wrong; this night was not about Deidara, it was about Sasori.

"How could he just up and leave as and when he liked? Because he did you know, un. He let himself die at the wretched hands of the two inapt imbeciles. What the bloody hell, un!" Deidara whispered loudly and Itachi could sense the anger in his voice.

He was glad that Deidara still had the sense to keep his voice down because if the owner had overheard anything they would have to kill him but Itachi did not want that and apparently neither did Deidara. The latter might be a sadist and actually enjoyed killing but even so he did not kill meaningless. He was not some dumb shinobi with something to prove. Deidara drowned the entire bottle and demanded loudly and rather rudely for another one. The owner took his time coming out with a new bottle, placing it neatly in front of Deidara before retiring to the back room once again. He had been running the stall for too long and intimidating customers scared him as much as bad weather would.

"Did you know that he bloody chose to die, un?" Deidara demanded.

"No," Itachi admitted though he had his suspicions. Sasori was one of the strongest members in Akatsuki after all and that meant something. No one could deny that. And he was Akasuna no Sasori who lived through the third shinobi war and was recognised as one of the greatest shinobi in history. Itachi had not been sure about his speculation but now it was confirmed. He did not have to ask how Deidara knew or even wonder if it was the truth. Deidara knew and that was it; that was how it worked with partners. Chances were that Deidara already had some inkling that when he recklessly decided to leave the cave it would be the last time he saw Sasori.

"He's such a bastard, un."

"You would have done the same," Itachi stated with less emotions than he ought to display. He was too used to it but that did not mean that it was reflective of what he was actually feeling. Nothing could quell the boiling unease and turmoil in his heart. He could only imagine how Deidara must be feeling.

"What, un?" Deidara hissed, glaring at Itachi and frowning. His hand stilled; the only indication that he was confused.

"If you were in a situation which required you to die, I'm thinking to prove your art, you would have died and left him behind," Itachi explained carefully. He did not want to come across as nastily condescending (Deidara thought that of him enough) and he certainly did not want Sasori's name to slip out by accident (not that it ever would). He was no idiot; Deidara was purposefully avoiding mentioning Sasori's name and even mentioning the word 'Danna'.

"Yeah, yeah I would, un," Deidara mumbled distractedly as he traced the rim of his cup. He looked so deep in thought that Itachi was beginning to suspect that he had hit the nail on the head. But before that notion could completely take root in his head (not that he actually thought his deduction wrong), Deidara scoffed loudly. "Yeah but he's the one who actually left first, un. So he's a bastard, not me, un."

Itachi always knew that Deidara was not a very nice person - scratch that; he was not a nice person by any means, but it was strangely endearing and Sasori must have felt the same. But in this current situation, Itachi could not help but wonder whether it was just a well displayed act to cover up the clenching pain in his heart.

"What twisted logic," he decided to point out instead and the only response Deidara gave was to stick all three tongues out at him. He barely refrained from rolling his eyes. The ex-bomber had a tendency to make even the most stoic of people react. Well, at least some things never change.

"But he's really mean, un," Deidara complained, drowning yet another cup. "So mean."

"Yes, he is," Itachi replied eventually while Deidara proceeded to gape at him in surprise. He obviously did not think that Itachi would concur with him on this subject. But Itachi really did. Deidara was actually suffering and Itachi might be going blind but he did not need eyes to see that.

Deidara cried. He cried every night. Not that he made a lot of noise to openly announce his endless sorrow and grief; if anything he would very much prefer to resolutely keep everything to himself. But there were just some things, minor things, that gave him away. The untrained eye would not be able to see it but the Akatsuki members were far from ordinary. Even Hidan, admittedly the densest one in the organisation, picked up on it. It was really minute things like how Deidara would add just that bit more of eyeliner to cover up his swollen eyes or the near invisible lines on his face which came from sobbing into his pillow so that no one figured anything out. Itachi figured it must have been due to the fact that Tobi now shared a room with him too. Itachi remembered vividly how Deidara had initially thrown a large fuss which resulted in Tobi sleeping in his old quarters for a few more days. Deidara eventually relented though the reason behind that was as good as anybody's guess.

"If you know how mean it is, you wouldn't do it. You wouldn't do it, un," Deidara said simply and Itachi thought he was speaking to himself until he realised that the blonde was looking directly at him with a meaningful look in his eyes.

Itachi expected to panic at the prospect of having someone seemingly figuring out his plan but the actual result was just a slight jolt of his heart and the quickening of his pulse before it quickly slowed down to normal. It was to be expected after all. There were many intelligent people in Akatsuki and while he certainly did not wear his heart on his sleeve he supposed there were just some things he let slip up unconsciously, just like Deidara and his crying. But there was no fear in having them know a bit of the truth; no one was going to harm him. And well, they were family. Of course he was not going to reveal his entire plan just because of that but there was no harm in them figuring out bits and pieces.

Itachi did not reply Deidara. Yes, it was mean, as Deidara so eloquently put it, to let himself die and leave Kisame behind but he saw no other road for himself. The moment he ruefully casted aside all emotions and slain the first Uchiha all his other roads were blocked off by the blood of his clan. Anyway, there was no way he could let Sasuke down. Sasuke was family.

_Kisame's family too_, a nagging voice stated matter-of-factly in the back of his head but he locked it up tight.

"It's alright. I'll be here for him, un," Deidara stated absentmindedly, twirling a strand of his hair while gazing distractedly at the flickering oil lamp. "You... You..." Deidara seemed to be struggling for the right words to say. He never took his eyes off the oil lamp as he eventually muttered, "you go do what you have to do, un."

Then Deidara suddenly stood up. Itachi looked up and it was Deidara's emotionless mask that gave him away. He could not take any more of talk of Sasori for that night. Itachi understood.

"I'll see you around, un," Deidara said briskly, his hair covering his eyes and he had his head turned away from Itachi, away from the flickering lamp so that he was covered in the shadows.

"Same to you."

Deidara began to walk away but he stopped short before he completely left the sanctuary of the street stall.

"Thanks, Itachi, un," Deidara said softly and it was the first time he heard something akin to gratefulness in the younger one's voice. Itachi barely suppressed a smile.

"You're welcome, Deidara," he replied calmly but he was sure Deidara could hear the smile in his voice.

Deidara paused for a while longer then a small smile softly caressed his face before he completely disappeared into the night, the only reminder that he had been there being his empty glass and half empty bottle. Itachi sighed when he realised that Deidara had left the paying to him. Typical. He waited for a full ten minutes which would be about the time Deidara needed to return to base before he left the change on the table top and left.

Halfway through his walk back, without even looking up, he already knew that there was someone up in the trees, presumably waiting for him since his chakra signature was not exactly concealed. He continued walking. If Tobi, no, if _Madara*_ wanted to speak with him he would appear on his own accord which he did by dropping down gracefully in front of Itachi.

"I have never asked anything of you," Itachi started before the other could say anything and this must have shocked Madara to some extent for he expressed his confusion by tilting his head ever so slightly to the right. "Watch over him."

Madara seemed to consider this for a second before, to Itachi's utter amazement, giving a slight nod. It appeared that whatever he had wanted to talk to him about then was no longer of importance for he promptly left. Itachi wondered if Madara actually felt something for the members of Akatsuki or maybe even Deidara himself, but that was something he did not place too much hope on. Akatsuki was family but that only applied when Madara was strictly not in the equation. But then again that was his biased opinion.

As he laid in bed that night he thought about how at that very moment Deidara was crying his heart out. Feeling a rush of melancholy sweeping over him and threatening to swallow him, he quickly turned his head to the left, hoping to source some warmth and comfort from Kisame's familiar silhouette in the relentless darkness. His eyesight was really failing; he couldn't see anything. But then he realised that it was because Kisame was _not there_. Somehow that discovery made him feel a hundred times worse and he felt his heart aching terribly as if it was trying to consume him from his very core. It was ridiculous because he knew exactly where Kisame was but to know that this was how Deidara was feeling every single breathing second of his life and how Kisame would inevitably feel when... When it was time, Itachi could not breathe.

He lied awake in his bed until he felt the familiar sensation of Kisame's chakra signature. He sat up. When the door to the room opened, he turned to look at Kisame, except that he could not quite see him. What stood in place of Kisame was a giant blot of blue. Itachi felt strangely afraid for the first time in his life.

"Come here," he said softly and Kisame was by his side in a moment, door firmly closed behind him.

"Itachi-san?"

Itachi's hand reached up to gently cup Kisame's face and felt insanely relief when he realised that he could still see Kisame clearly, every line, every wrinkle, at least when he was this close. Itachi wished that Kisame would always be this close. But he knew that...

"I would cease to see you soon," he confessed, still maintaining a soft voice even though there was no way anyone was eavesdropping on them here at - Itachi allowed himself to believe - home. "Even if you were to be right before me, you would appear to be but a blur, a shadow."

He knew that him saying things like these would upset Kisame greatly but someone had to bear the heavy burden of being the practical one between the two of them and it had to be him because Kisame hated to see him hurt.

"Itachi-san..."

"I'll be fine. Tell me about your mission."

He was obviously evading the topic at hand because just because he had to be the practical one does not mean that he had to face or accept it then. He still had time; he could still see Kisame. The other man did not press for anything else but instead did as Itachi requested. It was a simple assassin mission so Leader-sama had not seen the need to send them both. The target was on board a ship so it had simply been more apt to appoint Kisame to the job. Nothing special.

"I had a talk with Deidara," Itachi told Kisame with about as much emotion as he would put in requesting for a cup of water. Kisame knew him better than that though.

"Do tell."

And so Itachi spent the next minute recounting what had transpired between him and Deidara to Kisame. He was brief but effectively covered all the essential details. Lengthy talks were not his area of expertise after all. All the while Kisame kept silent though his eyes visibly hardened as Itachi spoke. There was little wonder there; Sasori's death was not supposed to have happened. It was a simple enough mission: capture the jinchuurirki (do not die).

"I would hate to be apart from you," Itachi said subconsciously after a while, the tranquil morning air providing just the right atmosphere to be so honest and open, just for a little while at least. He had not been intending to say that. He did not say things like that but Deidara must have had a greater influence over him than he expected.

"I'll be fine," Kisame told him eventually, a warm smile gracing his features as he held Itachi's hand tightly in his. Itachi let his hand fall from Kisame's face as his eyes fell to their entwined hands. "You do what you have to."

Itachi did not have to thank Kisame. He did not have to apologise to Kisame. The ex-Mist nin already knew all those and nothing he could say or do would numb the eventual torture that he would inevitably inflict upon Kisame.

Sasori, how did you go through with your decision...

They spent some time in bed afterwards with Kisame holding Itachi in his arms as they soaked up the general feeling of each other before they went to the dining area where Deidara and Tobi already were. Tobi was chattering away nonstop and Deidara was stabbing at his food as if he were stabbing the source of his annoyance. Tobi was blissfully unaware and kept up his endless torrent of words. The extra bit of eyeliner did not go unnoticed by either Itachi or Kisame. They exchanged short glances, feeling very much helpless, something an S-class missing-nin had no right to be feeling.

"This guy is infernal. I'm in hell, un," Deidara complained, vexation thick in his voice. Itachi chose not to read it in another way.

"You're going to have to bear with him for life," Kisame teased lightly, chuckling heartily, obviously trying to make everything seem normal. It usually worked.

Deidara ought to give a groan and complain some more or even curse Kisame for mentioning it but he did neither. What he did say was unnerving.

"Not for long, un."

It was a mere whisper and everyone heard it clearly but he continued mutilating his food as if nothing was wrong. Itachi felt like he should say something. Kisame looked like he wanted to say something too but they both could not find the right words. Tobi was unnaturally silent but he eventually managed to break the stifling silence.

"Senpai!" he wailed in that loud dramatic voice of his as he all but latched onto the blonde's arm, turning the tide of the conversation. "Senpai can't kill Tobi! Tobi is a good boy!"

"Yeah, I'll totally kill you soon, un," Deidara replied gruffly. He was playing along; that was not what he had meant and they all knew that but they all had to participate in this play that he had created.

Tobi continued to wail and sob nonstop before Deidara finally decided enough was enough and forcibly detached Tobi from his arm before standing up from the table and directing a scowl at the crying Tobi on the floor, not that it was apparent beneath the orange mask. Deidara contemplated kicking him but decided against it. Tobi's reaction afterwards was more trouble than it was worth.

"We'll be leaving for our mission, un," Deidara announced tersely, glaring at the squirming mess called Tobi on the floor. "Now," he added for emphasis before he stalked off.

Tobi immediately jumped up from the floor with a renewed spirit and dashed after the blonde. He started chatting in an animated and joyful tone again while Deidara stoically ignored him. But Itachi did not miss the brief second when Tobi stopped talking and instead seemed to stare at Deidara in what Itachi considered a thoughtful manner. That was only a guess though; the orange mask hid everything. But Itachi was glad as this meant that Madara was actually taking him seriously and was going to watch over Deidara. But Itachi knew that that was just lessening the damage. Deidara would never stop loving or missing Sasori.

"Should we be worried?" Kisame asked, scratching an invisible itch at the side of his head as his eyes trailed after the shadows of the departing two.

"It would be unwise to do so excessively," Itachi replied impassively and logically as he did everything. There was no use worrying obsessively over something they had no control over. They could try to change his mind but then he would not be Deidara and Itachi thought that was infinitely scarier. Kisame... Kisame would not understand. He kept that thought firmly to himself.

A look at Kisame told him all he needed to know about how the other man was feeling - fear, apprehension, and a look of knowing was cast in Kisame's hard features. Itachi was glad he could see all these now. His mangekyo really was not as useful as his normal eyes now that he thought about it. How much more foolish he was then for relying on it so when it was the thing that blinded him the most. Now he could see.

"It will be fine," Itachi assured Kisame even though such an absolute statement held no weight in the shinobi world, and definitely not in Akatsuki - Sasori's death was a constant reminder hanging over their heads now. Then he echoed what had been told to him so many times already, except now he truly saw the significance and truth behind those words. "We just do what we have to."

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